VivaVibe

First a disclaimer/apology: If something absolutely hilarious or Amazing-Race-Hall-of-Fame-ish happened in the first 11 minutes of the show, you’ll find no mention of it here, as, for some reason, my DVR did not record it. (This excuse brought to you by the fine folks at Time Warner Cable: they put the ”F you!” in ”Cable.” Doesn’t matter that there is no f, y, o, or u in the word ”cable”—they find a way to stuff it in there anyway.) Fortunately, I figured out the problem before I missed more of the show, which was a good thing, as I nearly missed the main moment of the episode. Or as I like to call it, Bitchapalooza. Or should I have gone with Shove-acella?

I considered not even writing a recap tonight. In place of it I would just describe the two cluebox scrambles over and over and over and over and over and over (and over) again, just like they did on the show. They replayed that moment so many times that it is now the Zapruder film of petty reality TV. By the end I expected to see Phil telestrating it, noting that Luke’s arm goes ”back…and to the left. Back…and to the left.”

It all went down in China, the land where birds fetch fish and cheerleaders go to be laughed at. Tammy and Victor had the advantage, what with speaking the language and all, although it didn’t seem to buy them much time. After all, Jaime was right behind them, speaking the international language of huffy impatience. At one point she said to her cabbie, while jabbing at the instructions on her clue, ”You: go here.” Doesn’t matter where you are in the world, people love to be talked to in the same way you’d tell a dog where to crap.

The teams first needed to snag a clue in front of a hair stylist. Kisha and Jen arrived at the same time as Margie and Luke, which is where the trouble began. Well, the trouble technically began when both teams couldn’t find the clue box, even as they nearly leaned up against it. But the fighting trouble began when they finally spotted the box, and Luke charged it, trying to block Jen from getting her envelope. When she reached around him, he tried to fend her off with his elbow—that’s the way I saw it. I can neither verify nor disprove that Luke is a bitch, but he certainly seemed like he was being a dick. I mean, does keeping someone from her clue for an extra three seconds really give you an advantage? When you feel it’s that important to claim bragging rights over something that doesn’t matter at all, it’s competitiveness run amok. The whole thing made me think of a story that the writer Ron Rosenbaum once wrote about encountering Oliver Stone in the bathroom at a benefit. Stone was pissed about something Rosenbaum had written about him in a profile, and railed at him while both of them were using the urinals. Finishing first, Stone exited the bathroom with this closer: ”Taking a long time, aren’t you Ron?” He had won the pissing contest that Rosenbaum wasn’t aware that they were having. I get the feeling that this Race is one long pissing contest for Luke.

NEXT: Was it a bitch move?

After Luke brushed off Jen, she called him a bitch. Because, as she later clarified, his was a bitch move. And then the producers, giddy with conflict, spent the next few minutes cutting back and forth between the two teams’ taxis as they complained about each other. (To accent just how shocking an altercation this had been, Van Munster and Co. cut to one passerby’s shocked expression, and accented her look it with their favorite China sound cue, a gong noise. A gong? Really, again? Every week the Amazing Race shows how knowledgeable it is about many foreign cultures: So how come every time the show goes to China, it turns into an old Charlie Chan movie? I keep waiting for Mickey Rooney to show up in his Breakfast at Tiffany’s makeup yelling, ”Miss Gorightry!”

During this intracab back and forth, Luke said something that really undermined his case: ”Calling the deaf guy a bitch is not nice,” he said. Wait, isn’t he on this show to prove that deaf people are just like everybody else? You can’t say that and also tsk tsk someone the second they don’t treat you like a hero.

And then came clue collision #2, as Luke and Jen raced to get their Roadblock clue. This time Jen was slightly ahead, and she plowed into the clue box as Luke was right behind her. She kind of brushed him off after he bumped into her, and he accused her of grabbing his arm and pushing him back. During the replays, I tried figuring out who was at fault, but ultimately I decided it didn’t matter. It was just another example of two very competitive people going all-out, but for no meaningful victory. Jen was right: the correct response to this was trash talk, not hurt feelings.

For the Roadblock, one person had to go out on a little boat and toss dead fish into the water, trying to get a trained cormorant to bring back ten of them. Essentially, it was a game of Fetch, only with a bird and dead fish in place of a dog and a ball: Just as exciting, but significantly less cuddly. This was one of those challenges that showcases interesting local flavor, but is not very interesting as a competition. Each player had no control over how good a fetcher his or her bird was, so the only drama was seeing Luke get bitten by an angry cormorant who apparently didn’t realize that biting a deaf guy is not nice.

All the teams except the tiny brothers were out on the water at the same time. The brothers, already late—and their elimination a fait d’accompli—were waylaid by a Speed Bump in which they had to wash and dry two women’s hair. ”I felt like I was giving my mom a shampoo and dry,” said Mark happily, as we all got a glimpse of just how disturbingly tight their family is.

NEXT: Jaime and Cara’s cheerleading talents come in handy

But out on the water, Tammy and Victor, for all their language savvy, were falling behind as Tammy’s bird lost interest in the fish and temporarily flew away. Jaime had a good line about the birds, who easily let go of the fish when brought into the boat: ”I know if someone tossed filet mignon in my mouth, I do not believe I would give it back.” Jaime is entertaining as long as she’s not competing. Her relaxed sideline comments show an amusing side of her, and then as soon as she gets back in the Race, she’s horrific. It’s like some annoying twist on the movie Crank, where as long as her heart rate stays above a certain level, she’ll be a complete jerk. Example 462: when the cheerleaders finished with the fish, they ran to their cabbie, who quickly opened the trunk for them. ”I’m excited, because our taxi driver has now realized we’re in a race,” said Jaime, thrilled that the rest of China was finally catching on to the most important thing happening in their country that day.

The teams then tackled the Detour: You could either learn a dance in a public square, or write four series of Chinese characters with four different artists in a park. The cheerleaders were the only ones to opt for the dancing because, Jaime said, ”In college I could not even read my own notes.” Luckily in those days she was able to copy her friend’s notes, allowing her to nail the final exam extra-credit question, ”R-O-W-D-I-E, that’s the way we spell_______. (Hint: Let’s get rowdy.)”

As former cheerleaders, Jaime and Cara said they were ”trained to pick up choreography at a quicker pace,” which came out sounding like they were secret agents…perhaps part of the CIA’s special-ops hurkey division. Though they seemed to pick up the routine quickly, they were dinged by the judges twice. Jaime did not like that at all, especially because the judges couldn’t tell the cheerleaders specifically what they’d done wrong. I can see how that would be frustrating, but not ”What is the problem? Do you speak any English whatsoever? Does anyone speak English?” frustrating. I wonder how many countries Jaime has to go to before she realizes that most other places in the world have their very own language and don’t need ours. Because at a certain point this obstacle really should lose the power to floor her, I’m just wondering what that point is.

Meanwhile, at Calligraphy, Tammy and Victor had the advantage of being able to ask questions about where the next artist’s station was, but it was moot as all teams finished at the same time and followed Victor wherever he went. Nothing he could do could change this fact, not even appealing to the locals’ respect/fear of their elders, as he yelled by way of introduction, ”We are foreign-born Chinese from America. If we don’t win, our parents will cry themselves to death.” I wonder if any athletes tried to woo the judges with that line at the Beijing Olympics.

NEXT: The mat meltdown…it’s finally here!

With Margie and Luke, Tammy and Victor, and Kisha and Jen all finishing the Detour at the same time, it was a footrace to the mat. Waiting there was Phil with an older couple eating their lunch. I wondered whether they were Tammy and Victor’s parents, ready to throw their soup into their children’s faces if they didn’t get first place. ”Excuse us, Phil,” they would say when their children arrived. ”We will handle this. Tammy and Victor, you are team number shame!”

Instead, they were strangers left to eat awkwardly as a brouhaha broke out on the mat. Phil nudged the still bickering Jen/Kisha and Luke/Margie for details of the tension, and Luke blew up. As he fervently signed, Margie—who up until now was the calming influence—blew up, accusing Kisha and Jen at smirking at her son. ”When he was signing angrily, they started laughing, and that is just rude,” she yelled. ”He’s lived with this his whole life, and he doesn’t need it from people like you.” As Kisha tried to explain that she wasn’t smiling at Luke, she was smiling with him, Phil kept trying to make peace between the two sides, saying things like, ”Do you think it might have been a misunderstanding?” I get the sense that Phil does not like discord on his mat, it’s bad juju. I hear he took the mat to three exorcists and four holy men to try to purge the nasty Jonathan/Victoria vibes after season 6. (Incidentally, make sure to keep an eye out for his blog: He’s been touting this ”mat meltdown” all season so he’ll surely have some good insight on it.)

Ultimately, the final standings were Kisha and Jen in first, Tammy and Victor in second, and Margie and Luke in third. The cheerleaders finished in fourth, and then, finally, came the stunt brothers. (It’s unclear just how far back they were, although instead of the sun having gone down—the usual Race signifier of a really late team—, their tardiness was measured by the fact that the noshing couple on the mat had had their dishes cleared away and were now sipping tea. Apparently finishing lunch is the new bushy white beard of time-passing signifiers.

The producers have grown to love mocking the brothers, making sure to highlight every embarrassing moment they create. Before the brothers arrived at the mat, the producers made time for one last jab: When the duo was doing the dance challenge, they were shown in slow motion, looking foolish as they clutched and dipped each other. I’m surprised the producers didn’t give them a ten-hour penalty for bad dancing. ”Yeah, we know you’re out of the game anyway, but we want you to sit here for ten hours and think about what you’ve done wrong. Suckers!”

So goodbye to Mark and Michael. Okay, enough about them: let’s get back to the fight., Do you think Luke was being a bitch? Or was Jen too physical? Or didn’t it make a damn bit of difference? And with only four teams left, who are you rooting for now? I know, I know: You haven’t had a rooting interest since Mel and Mike left. But pick a side anyway, I demand it! And when you pick one, you better write about it in English. Otherwise it’ll be so frustrating!

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