VivaVibe

I’m feeling torn right now.

A part of me has come to really enjoy Ryan and Abbie. They’re quick and strong and kinda funny, plus Abbie has some truly enviable race-wear — and also appears to parle francais. I’ve liked the bond that’s developed between them and the Beekman Boys over the course of the last few legs. And I’ve sympathized with A&R because Lord knows they’ve had some crap luck recently. The airline stuff. The miserable organ challenge in the rain tonight. Ryan getting caked in mud. And, then, of course, the U-Turn. When Abbie threw her body onto that stranger for three hugs and cried on her shoulder I nearly cried myself. The Race has not been particularly kind to this team recently.

But might I suggest that they’ve come full circle over the course of their TAR journey? Back in the first leg, they got some help from Amy and Daniel, then overtook them in a footrace to the Pit Stop where they won the leg and the shot at the two million dollar prize. Fair enough. Just part of the game, right? At the time, Ryan tried to console a dazed and shocked Amy by throwing out some vague, “big picture” ramblings about how that moment was about more than just the race and how Amy and Daniel were more than just their friends. Yet, tonight, when others played the game and it happened to work against Abbie and Ryan, they were flabbergasted and morally offended. Suddenly the story was about how they’d been “stabbed in the back” and how the Chips’ action “speaks volumes about them.” I hardly think the Chips were playing dirty when they hit Abbie and Ryan with the U-turn. It was just The Chips daring to be — nay, forcing themselves to be — competitive. In fact, at the top of the leg, Ryan was all competitive bluster himself. “Someone’s going down, it’s not us,” he’d promised, adding something or other about sheep being led to slaughter (Tell me he wasn’t referring to the Beekmans there? I wasn’t sure.). So it’s more than a little hypocritical for Ryan to be so self-righteous about the Chips playing to win. The entitlement there is off the charts. Ryan claims the Chippendales cost him two million dollars, which is, of course, bananas on so many levels. The plain truth of it is the Race didn’t go as perfectly as he’d hoped it would — which just puts him in good company with many other fallen teams, including, well, Amy and Daniel, who were eliminated after some plain old bad luck with a taxi.

And anyway, by winning that first leg — and simply by being a strong team — haven’t Abbie and Ryan always had huge target on their backs? Wasn’t what went down tonight a foregone conclusion?

But enough about them.

Let’s go to Amsterdam! No, to France! No, Amsterdam! Not France then? Non, stop talking about France! Turn that flag right side up and let’s head to the land of clogs and happy bicyclists!

NEXT: More missed connections

Man, was there a lot of tension in the air tonight. The U-Turn was looming and it had everyone on edge.

Teams were on their own for flight arrangements and here’s how it went:

The Twins flew through Rome after pleading with the ticketing agent to sell them an itinerary with just an hour layover. Girls, haven’t you learned a lesson from Abbie and Ryan? Guess not, but their travel went off as awesomeballs as they could have hoped, and they were the first to land in Amsterdam. The Chips snagged two of the three remaining seats on a direct flight that landed about 45 minutes later. Once Team Texas figured out which country they were going to, they flew via Larnaca and landed less than an hour later after that. Abbie and Ryan, who were wary about connecting through Frankfurt again or ever even speaking of hotdogs, booked two flights out of Frankfurt just in case, which was a fancy and smart move that I never realized was allowed. Of course since Frankfurt is a black hole for Abbie and Ryan, they ended up missing their first connecting flight and having their second one delayed for mechanical reasons. In the end, A&R were delayed a couple hours (they’re so over it, OK?), and by the time they landed in Amsterdam had run into the last-place Beekman Boys who had just arrived via Oslo.

It was a bittersweet reunion for this little family of stragglers. The foursome seemed rejuvenated at the sight of one another yet deflated to once again be the little family of stragglers. Abbie and Ryan were especially down. The Beekmans are ultra non-competitive and just seem to be having a blast meeting people and traveling around loving each other. But for Abbie and Ryan, this was supposed to be their leg to get back on top. Where they belong. Whatever, they’re so over it, alright?

The Twins went for the Fast Forward, which involved them taking a ride on The Floating Dutchman busboat where they ‘d have seven minutes to eat five raw herring each. For the second time this season, the Twins were smeared in fish. Would you say this challenge was grosser or less gross than the frog fallopian tubes? I cannot even think about it enough to vote; my gag reflex kicked in watching both. Let’s just say I think the Chippendales should be grateful that the Twins spared them this challenge. I feel it might have ended badly for them. Plus, this way Chips had the stomach for that fun little jaunt down the canal in a motorboat and the platter of poffertjes.

The Detour was “Back in Time,” where Racers would have to recreate Rembrandt’s “The Night Watch” using live extras, or “Organ to Grind” in which one team member would have to operate a hand-crank organ while the other would prance about and procure 30 Euros in tips. Organ to Grind was similar to the tea-selling roadblock back in Istanbul, except that in this challenge, the location looked to be kind of desolate, and racers had to try to get their tips while selling nothing other than the excruciating, mind-numbing sound of organ music.

NEXT: Sometimes a person simply does not have time to keep his shirt on

Have Jaymes do this one! I immediately thought, remembering how frustrating and underwhelming James was at the tea challenge. Thankfully Jaymes did take the reins, and halfway through the task realized that hopping around asking for tips was not as effective as hopping around asking for tips without a shirt on would be. So the boys did away with their tops and opened their sterilized packages of (Chippendales-issued?) collars and watched the Euros roll in, mostly from dudes and one particularly generous Grandma.

Meanwhile, having completed the Fast Forward in no time at all, the Twins were off to the Pit Stop before most of the teams were even racing in earnest. They shimmied with glee at their first place finish, which got a SHIMMY FROM PHIL in reply, and then the Twins called it a day. Oh, and $5k each. Clothes shopping!

The Chippendales moved on to Museum Geelvinck, whose peaceful, lush garden housed the next clue and the ominous U-Turn board. Poor Jaymes was visibly distraught at the idea of setting any of his fellow racers back; he’d been dreading this moment throughout the whole leg and had actually hoped and assumed one of the other teams would have arrived there first, relieving him of any duty. The arrangement discussed previously with the Twins and Texas was that the first team to get there would U-Turn Abbie and Ryan, and the next team to arrive would waste the second U-Turn by slapping it on whichever team issued the first U-Turn. Stop typing the word U-Turn! I can’t!

“Why lose a friend if you don’t have to,” Jaymes-with-a-furrowed-brow reasoned, while James contributed bystroking his chin in a demonstration of “thinking.” My answer to Jaymes would be “Why run a race if you don’t want to win?” Poor, sweet Jaymes. So much heartache. But he’s got his sick Dad to think of. BAM! He did it! In the end, I thought he went for it less because of any pact and more because did saw Abbie and Ryan as the biggest threat of any team. Team Texas was the next team to hit the kiosk and they sealed Abbie and Ryan’s fate by adhering to the plan and U-Turning the Chips.

Meanwhile A&R and Team Beekman had again made a pact to race together. I didn’t exactly trust the agreement last time and I still didn’t tonight. I do trust the teams’ affection for one another, but I can’t decide if the union is pure solidarity or more of a “keep your competition close” thing. Obviously Abbie and Ryan would save themselves when it came time – whether in a footrace to the mat or via a U-Turn, if they’d had the chance. In any case, the group opted for the Rembrandt Detour, and while I’d been initially enthralled at the prospect of more historical re-enactors/background thespians, this challenge required our local players to stay mute and just get moved around like props. More antics, please! Abbie was right at home, though, scooting the various characters into position like she was blocking dancers onstage for a piece. I also really enjoyed the way her voice was muffled through all that facial hair.

NEXT: Dancing through her tears

The straggler group arrived at the pretty U-Turn setting and Abbie and Ryan had a legit jaw-drop moment when they saw the Chippendales had U-Turned them (and realized there was no U-Turn left for them to use on their BFFs, the Beekman Boys). Abbie is so over this – for real now, you guys. The despondent team then headed out into the rain to do that wretched organ challenge, where there were now basically zero passersby on the street. Abbie, faux-joyfully dancing and on the verge of tears the entire time, was devastating. And that hug! Best moment of the episode.

I enjoyed the way Brent kicked Josh’s ass and forced him to keep racing even though Josh’s instinct was to stick with Abbie and Ryan at all costs – though this doesn’t match up with Brent telling A&R that he would have had them U-Turn them so they could have stuck together the rest of the leg. I guess he could afford to offer it since it was moot. So what if The Beekmans aren’t going to win. They shouldn’t sacrifice themselves so completely just because they’re “not a threat” as Ryan put it. Race on, sweet fellows. BTW, I’m just about to finish Josh’s book. It is some funny, outrageous shiz.

What about that Switchback Roadblock? I didn’t watch season 12 but I gather from one of Phil’s tweets that tonight’s racers fared a lot better at this challenge than the Racers from that season. I’d have loved to try it myself. But surely I wasn’t the only one who was terrified someone was going to impale themselves? I only wish we could have seen the Twins tackle that challenge. Imagine the hoopla!

Anyway, it’s late. I’ve eaten all the pie left in this house. Real quick though: Did you enjoy Jaymes’ “This is Holland, the capitol of Amsterdam!” And Josh’s ditch-vaulting, just in general – and the digger he took running to the challenge? I did. (Except it’s less funny if he’s really injured, so we’ll see.)

Next week, it’s Spain for some bull action and Tennis Anyone?

In the meantime, what did you think of tonight’s episode and Abbie and Ryan’s elimination? Anyone think the Beekman Boys should have waited for their partners in crime? And what did you think of the Chippendales use of the U-Turn? Are Trey and Lexi becoming more and more invisible to you like they are to me? Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

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