VivaVibe

Hey, I’ll get to this week’s Survivor recap in just a minute (including my updated season by season rankings!), but first I have to make a super quick phone call, if you don’t mind. This’ll just take a jiff.

Voice on phone answering: “Hello?”

Dalton: “Hi, is this Erik?”

Erik: “Yes.”

Dalton: “Erik Reichenbach?”

Erik: “Yes.”

Dalton: “Erik Reichenbach from the awkwardly titled Survivor: Micronesia—Fans vs Favorites? The guy best known for giving up his individual immunity necklace and then promptly being voted out of the game?’

Erik: “Wellllllllll, I don’t know about being best known for that. I’m also pretty known for my artwork. I mean, I’ve had a few studio shows here in Michigan and they went quite swimmingly if I do say so myself. ”

Dalton: “Were any of these art shows seen by over 15 million people?”

Erik: “No.”

Dalton: “Then no dice, Reichenbach. Face it — you’re the dude that gave up immunity.”

Erik: “Could you at least look at my art before…”

Dalton: “I SAID DROP IT! Now listen to me, I’ve got some good news for you. Swell news, in fact. In the misery-loves-company department, I have someone I’d like for you to meet. His name is Brandon. I think you two would get along.”

Erik: “Why is that?”

Dalton: “Well, you have a lot in common is all.”

Erik: “Like what?”

Dalton: “Good God, man, do you even watch Survivor any more?!?”

Erik: “Well, I’ve been pretty busy working at the ice cream shop so…”

Dalton: “You know what? Just never mind. Forget I called.”

Erik: “I don’t even know who this is!”

Dalton: “As it should be! Here I was ready to give you some good news that you weren’t the only moron on the face of the earth that would be stupid enough to give up immunity, and all you want to talk about is art and ice cream.”

Erik: “I’m sorry. I just have other things in my life. I try to not let Survivor define me. I mean, it would be kind of pathetic to be someone who talks or writes about Survivor each and every week of his life, don’t you think? I mean, what type of person devotes that much time and energy into dissecting and discussing a TV show? Am I right?”

Dalton: “Uhhhhh, I gotta go.”

Click.

Ah, Erik. How could you not think of the poor ice-cream scooper from Hell (Michigan) after watching Brandon Hantz give up his immunity to Albert and be immediately voted out? Of course, there is one big difference between the two — Erik immediately knew what a bonehead move he had made, while I’m pretty sure Brandon is still clinging to the belief that he had no choice in the matter because it is what God told him to do and Heaven forbid he demonstrate anything close to free will. Nor is Brandon smart enough to question Coach’s assertion that it was “God’s will” that forced the Dragonslayer to vote him out, the same way he cannot now get upset at me because it is God’s will that told me to write about what a lunkhead he is. (By the way, if what Brandon and Coach say is true, then God is paying waaaaaay too much attention to what happens on a reality television show. Although if that is the case, I would love it if God could convince Jeff Probst to go back to a final 2 format instead of the grab bag final 3 situation we’ve been stuck with of late. Do me a solid, Big Fella!)

NEXT: Welcome to the Pleasure Dome!

Okay, let’s backtrack and take it from the top of the episode, and after we get through that we can get to my updated season-by-season rankings. (Where will Survivor: South Pacific land? Read on and find out.) We begin with the final five of Te Tuna (worst tribe name ever) partaking in numerous group hugs after voting off Edna. I have to say, it is impressive to see an alliance of this size made on day 1 go all the way to the end in tact. It just goes to show that sometimes it merely comes down to being in the right place at the right time, which in this case happened to be a night-time chat by the beach on the very first night.

But now is where things will start to splinter. Albert’s closest ally in the game has been Sophie, but after watching her win two individual immunities and speak eloquently at Tribal Council, he wants her gone next. Instead, Albert wants to go to the finals with Coach and Whatshisface with the facial hair, and he goes and tells Whatshisface just that. (Hmmm, I wonder if that move will come back to haunt him later.)

But first, we must head off to Redemption Island to watch Ozzy defeat Edna in a challenge. We know Ozzy will defeat Edna for two reasons: 1) They made it look like Edna was beating Ozzy in the preview last week, which they would not have done if she actually won, and 2) They haven’t shown Ozzy frolicking and talking about how close he is to getting back in the game, which they surely would have done if they were about to lose one of the stars of the season.

And sure enough, Ozzy does win the puzzle-solving contest, even though the entire Te Tuna tribe is yelling out instructions to Edna, making it a six-on-one competition (which makes Probst’s comment that “this would be a major upset if Edna defeated Ozzy” rather suspect). The thing that’s remarkable about Ozzy is that he never panics in such situations. I saw it first hand with the initial puzzle duel between him and Coach. I don’t know if it’s all that residual weed still coursing through his veins, but the dude is mellow as a cello and never gets rattled.

Back at Te Tuna, while Albert continues to work Brandon, Sophie is worried about the relationships Ozzy is building with the jury members. “Every single member has gone through, like, Ozzy’s Pleasure Dome on the way out,” Ozzy’s Pleasure Dome? Well, as someone that has seen all too much of Ozzy’s Pleasure Dome courtesy of his appearance on the Playboy Channel’s Foursome, I can’t say I find that surprising. No doubt I can picture Whitney, Edna, and Dawn spending some time there. Perhaps even Jim and Keith said something along the lines of “What happens on the island stays on the island,” and gave in to sin. But Cochran? Do we really think Cochran spent some time in Ozzy’s Pleasure Dome? And if so, did it involve lots of massages and dirty talk about pooping on oneself back in kindergarten? I think it’s best we move on to get this visual out of our collective head as quick as possible.

NEXT: What, your pizza doesn’t come via jet ski?

There are a lot of things I love about Survivor, and right at the top of that list is the deliciously awkward situations that arise when someone walks right into a conversation taking place about them. We get a double-shot of hilarity this week when Brandon not only interrupts Coach and Albert arguing over whether to get rid of him or Sophie, but then interrupts Coach giving an interview to the camera where he says flat-out that he needs to get rid of the younger Hantz. Ah, but what if Brandon wins immunity?

The immunity challenge has the contestants climb a wall to retrieve five bags of puzzle pieces which must then all be paired up, with three extra pieces being used to reveal a number code that will unlock a box to drop a flag and declare a winner. Jeff Probst also seems to be taking part in his own competition to see how many references to contestants’ butts he can make before all is said and done. (Hmmm, could someone be angling for a trip to the Pleasure Dome? Or was he merely inspired by Rick’s epic ass grab of his wife’s booty last week? Or maybe people kept falling on their rear ends and he was merely doing his job and describing what happened. Whatever! It was still weird!)

After Albert’s curious decision to cheer on both Brandon and Coach, Brandon wins, leading Coach to look about as angry as I’ve ever seen him look. “I believe in divine intervention. It was not Brandon’s time to go home tonight. He saved his own skin by winning immunity. I’m at peace with that. I’m pissed, but I’m at peace with that.” (Note: He does not look at peace with that.)

As part of his victory, Brandon wins pizza for him and the dude with the mustache who seems to have floated in and out of this season like a recurring guest star who is never allowed to speak. The pizza is delivered via jet ski for no reason whatsoever, since the entire production is all taking place on the same island. All this jet ski delivery does is make me sad for how cold their pizza got while being put through this aquatic charade, while also making me nostalgic for the glory days of hilarious Jeff Probst final tribal council voting urn delivery to the United States.

But little does Brandon know that he ordered this pizza with an extra topping of drama! Sophie goes over to join Brandon and mustache man under the lame pretense that she just wants to “smell” the food, and immediately she and the cowboy begin dissing Albert. After being told that Albert had a final three deal with Mr. Whiskers, Brandon is determined to get to the bottom of it. Either that or God told him to get to the bottom of it. One or the other!

This leads to a fantastic exchange between Albert and Mr. Whiskers where Albert blatantly lies about approaching Mr. Whiskers and Mr. Whiskers starts yelling back, “Don’t you lie to me! That is bull—-! It’s bull—!” proving that people should have started lying to him much earlier on in the season so he actually would have been forced to speak.

Sophie — or Sophierce, as she’s been dubbed online — loves watching her former ally go down in flames. “Instead of a nice little blindside, he gets to go out looking even more pathetic than he’s looked this whole game.” (Ouch! Remind me to stay on Sophie’s good side. Referring to her as Sophierce is probably a good start.) Now, see, in any normal situation, she would be absolutely right — Albert would be a goner. But nothing is normal when the guy with “loco” tattooed on his neck is around.

NEXT: Albert gets Probsted!

Albert goes and pleads his case to Brandon, and doesn’t even appear to be doing a good job of it. No matter! “I’m not voting you,” says Brandon. “I just made up my mind. If I have to I’ll give you my immunity necklace.” What the…? So then Brandon goes and explains his move to Coach, even though there is really no explaining it. Coach responds with, “I need to pray, and I promise you this: I will do whatever God tells me to do.” Translation: You’re gone. “I begged God to speak to me like he’s never spoken to me before,” Coach tells us while shots of him kneeling down and praying are shown. And wouldn’t you know it — God ends up telling Coach exactly what Coach wants to hear! How convenient! I love it when God works that way! Kind of like the way God just told me to bust out not one, but two Milwaukee’s Bests—one for myself and one for Him in case He gets thirsty. And if He doesn’t? More watered-down swill for me!

So off to Tribal Council we go, where Brandon’s announcement that he is giving up his Idol leads Probst and Dawn to compete head-to-head in the First Annual Over-exaggerated Eliza Orlins Eyes Popping Out Of Head Reaction Shot Challenge. (Probst wins.) Brandon then blathers on about brawling with rival gangs when no one in his gang would show up. ““So, it wasn’t really a gang,” replies Probst in one of his best comments of the season. But the Probster is only getting started.

All the best players know that Jeff Probst is a huge factor in this game. How you react to what he says and does can have just as much impact as anything else in terms of how you do in this game. Sometimes, it’s easy to stay out of his crosshairs. Other times, not so much. Honestly, Albert ends-up in a completely no-win situation when Probst decides to go down a line of question that has no escape for the baseball/dating coach. Once Albert starts talking about spiritually bonding with Brandon, Probst pounces. “So is there a part of you as Christian man who now wants to take the necklace off and do the same thing that Brandon just did for you?” OH, SNAP!

Albert shrugs it off, saying Brandon is in no danger and doesn’t need it, but as the talking continues and it becomes clear that Lil’ Hantz most certainly is in danger, Probst keeps digging, asking Brandon if he now expects Brandon to return the favor. “It’s up to him,” mumbles the clearly shaken Brandon. Back to Albert Probst goes. Will he give it back? “Honestly, I don’t think he’s going home tonight so I’m not going to give him the necklace back.” Wow, and if Albert had even a smidgeon of a chance of winning this game, there it went. He worked so hard on the jury. He worked so hard on Brandon to give up the necklace. But Survivor is all about adapting, and the image of Albert clearly taking advantage of someone and then stubbornly refusing to repay the favor is not one you want in a jury’s mind. It’s actually not unlike Cochran refusing to pull colored rocks. Both players were trying so hard to stay on the tribe short-term that they effectively killed off their long-term chances of winning the game. It would have been a much better move for Albert at that point to win back the jury’s heart by returning the necklace and taking his shot against Ozzy at Redemption Island. That way all the groundwork he laid by being so nicey-nicey with the jury would have seemed genuine and not shady. You win that duel against Ozzy and you actually stand a chance of winning the entire thing. Now, he’s done. The necklace falling off his neck after the vote was symbolically perfect.

NEXT: Let the updated Survivor season rankings begin!

So, naturally Coach votes off Brandon, hugging him on his way out and whispering his hilarious justification that “It’s God’s will. Go win redemption.” This can’t help but remind me off those knuckleheads on Big Brother who nominate two people for eviction and say that they’re doing it to give them a chance to play for the veto and stay in the house, as if they’re doing them a favor by putting them on the block. Yeah, right.

And so here we are heading into Sunday’s finale with six players left in the game. If Ozzy can make it to the finals, the game should be his. If not, you figure it’s gotta be Coach or Sophierce. All three have played well in their own ways — Ozzy dominating physically, Coach dominating socially and strategically, and Sophierce winning immunities while managing trigger-happy Albert, which seems to have been a full-time job in itself — and I would be happy with any of them winning. But now comes the big question of the day: Where does Survivor: South Pacific fit in to my updated (and always controversial) season-by-season rankings? Read on and find out!

SURVIVOR SEASON RANKINGS

1. Survivor: Borneo (Winner: Richard Hatch)

Think back to when this show first came on the air — and how we had never seen anything like it. The season may not quite hold up when watched next to some later ones, but nothing will ever be able to duplicate that sense of wonder and excitement…

2. Survivor: Micronesia — Fans Vs. Favorites (Winner: Parvati Shallow)

…although this one came damn close. It wasn’t just the most insane four-episode-run in Survivor history (with Ozzy, Jason, and Erik all getting blindsided, and then Amanda pulling out one last hidden immunity idol). It was also great characters — Chet and Joel are the 21st-century odd couple — and the perfect mix of solid and stupid gameplay.

3. Survivor: Heroes vs Villains (Winner: Sandra Diaz-Twine)

The Russell vs. Boston Rob feud made for the best pre-merge run of episodes ever. And the greatness just kept on coming. Filled with huge memorable moments like Tyson voting himself off, J.T. giving Russell his immunity idol, and Parvati handing out two immunity idols at one Tribal Council. Loses a few points for having so many three-timers, though, including a few (Amanda, James) that we simply didn’t need to see again. The fresh blood of Micronesia keeps that season one slot higher.

4. Survivor: Amazon (Winner: Jenna Morasca)

Probably the most unpredictable season ever from week to week. Some people hate on Morasca as a winner, but she won challenges and played a great social game.

5. Survivor: Pearl Islands (Winner: Sandra Diaz-Twine)

Rupert stealing shoes. Fairplay getting drunk at Tribal Council. Osten sucking at everything. It was all delicious. Loses points, though, for the awful Outcasts twist, which also led to a disappointing final two (Lil? Seriously?).

NEXT: #6 through #15

6. Survivor: Palau (Winner: Tom Westman)

I loved watching one tribe decimate the other, culminating with Stephenie becoming a tribe of one. And the challenges may have been Survivor‘s best ever.

7. Survivor: Samoa (Winner: Natalie White)

Russell’s controlling of the game (especially post-merge when his side was down 8-4) was truly a work of art. Evil genius art. He was robbed in the end, though, in the most controversial jury decision ever.

8. Survivor: Marquesas (Winner: Vecepia Towery)

An underrated season that saw the first totem pole shake-up: where people on the bottom got together to overthrow those on the top. Yes, it was a weak final two, but it also had a woman peeing on a guy’s hand. Plus: Purple rock!!!

9. Survivor: Cook Islands (Winner: Yul Kwon)

What a difference a mutiny makes. It was listless until that fateful moment when Candice and Penner stepped off the mat. Then we finally had underdogs to root for. The Tribal Council fire-making tiebreaker between Sundra and Becky may be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

10. Survivor: Australian Outback (Winner: Tina Wesson)

An overrated season. Probst loves it. I didn’t. Solid but unspectacular. Pretty predictable boot order as well. Dude did burn his hands off, though.

11. Survivor: China (Winner: Todd Herzog)

Really good cast. Really bad location.

12. Survivor: South Pacific (Winner: ???)

Even I’m surprised by how high I’m putting this, especially considering how much it has in common with last season, which I didn’t like: the same twist of two returning players, Redemption Island, the predictable vote-offs, no real water challenges, etc…. But there is one thing I really do like about this season, and that is the cast. I’m invested in the players and their fates — the ones I want to do well, and not so well. Plus, the season has now given us two signature moments: Cochran flipping, and Brandon giving away his immunity. A solid showing for Survivor: South Pacific, which, as always, could move up or down a spot or two depending on what happens in the finale.

13. Survivor: Tocantins (Winner: J.T. Thomas)

Okay, you may roll your eyes at Coach 1.0. But imagine for a second this season without him. Bo-ring! His unintentional comedy single-handedly lifts this into the middle of the pack. Seriously, other than Tyson getting blindsided, were there any memorable moments that didn’t involve the Steven Seagal wannabe?

14. Survivor: All-Stars (Winner: Amber Brkich)

Overall, a bit of a letdown, but man, were there some hate-fueled fireworks at those final few Tribal Councils. Plus: Best. Reunion Show. Ever. (Remember Jerri getting literally booed off the stage?)

15. Survivor: Panama (Winner: Aras Baskauskas)

Ah, just writing the word Panama gets me daydreaming about Survivor Sally and her intoxicating knee socks. Terry was robbed on a final challenge that may or may not have been completely fair. Another unmemorable final two.

NEXT: #16 through #23, plus exclusive deleted scene

16. Survivor: Gabon (Winner: Bob Crowley)

It got better near the end, but it was still a case of too little, too late. The fact that so many unworthy players went so far is simply too damning.

17. Survivor: Redemption Island (Winner: Boston Rob Mariano)

The first three episodes were dynamite, but then the fuse blew out. It certainly was entertaining at times watching Rob strategize (the most dominant showing ever) and Phillip philosophize (the craziest showing ever), just not very dramatic. Most of the vote-offs were clearly telegraphed and the Redemption Island twist sucked the life out of Survivor’s signature moment — the vote-off.

18. Survivor: Africa (Winner: Ethan Zohn)

Some great challenges. Not that much else was great.

19. Survivor: Guatemala (Winner: Danni Boatwright)

One of the more unlikable casts so far. (Remember Judd? Jamie? Stephenie’s evil twin?) Rafe was good for a few laughs, though. Especially on rope obstacles.

20. Survivor: Vanuatu (Winner: Chris Daugherty)

I don’t blame producers: The battle of the sexes worked well the first time around.

21. Survivor: Thailand (Winner: Brian Heidik)

The fake merge and brutal last challenge — where the final three had to hold coins between their fingers in a crazy painful pose — keep this dud out of the bottom spot. Barely.

22. Survivor: Fiji (Winner: Earl Cole)

With the exception of Yau-Man and Earl, a true bummer of a cast, and the ”Haves Vs. Have-Nots” twist was one of the worst creative decisions in Survivor history. Speaking of awful creative decisions…

23. Survivor: Nicaragua (Winner: Jud “Fabio” Birza)

It’s at the bottom for a few reasons. 1) Splitting the tribes up by age and the Medallion of Power were both enormous flops. 2.) Like Thailand and Fiji, just too many unlikable players. 3) Two people quitting with only 11 days left. 4) No big memorable moments. Even Thailand had the fake merge and Fiji had the big Yau-Man/Dreamz free car deal gone bad, but what was Nicaragua‘s signature moment? Unfortunately, it was people quitting, and that was memorable for all the wrong reasons.

So there you have it. What are your rankings and where do you put Survivor: South Pacific? And what would you have done in Albert’s shoes? You can answer both of those in just a second, but also make sure to see what Jeff Probst makes of Brandon’s move in our weekly Q&A. Also make sure to check out an exlcusive deleted scene in the video player below, along with my pre-game interview with Edna. And for more Survivor scoop, follow me on Twitter @EWDaltonRoss. Okay, now it’s your turn. Hit the message boards, and I’ll be back for Sunday’s finale/reunion with another scoop of the crispy!

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