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”Desperate Housewives”: The murderer is revealed

Thanks for a great season, DH! See you next fall! Luv U!

Wait, it’s not over? My bad. This episode reminded me so much of a season finale — the murder mystery was solved, no-longer-necessary characters were conveniently removed, and someone got engaged. (Susan.) I’m ecstatic. All of this screams, ”Summer vacation!” And yet it’s February.

I was impressed at how neatly, and with such a shiny, blood-spattered bow, the writers wrapped up the Case of Monique Pollier. (Does this mean we’ll never have to hear ”Pollier” again? I always thought of a clear beverage when I heard it, some cross between Poland Spring and Perrier, no doubt. Quite refreshing.) We learned this week that when Orson entered Monique’s house, Gloria had already killed her because ”she was a slut.” Apparently, Gloria didn’t want Orson to cheat on Alma the way his father had cheated on Gloria.

We’re to assume Gloria had also killed the senior Mr. Hodge, by staging his suicide in the bathtub and letting Orson bear the brunt of the guilt. And with the help of Danielle, sleeping pills, and scores of spooky candles and framed photographs, Gloria almost did the same thing to Bree. Not on Orson’s watch! Fresh out of the hospital (what five-story fall?) and streaked with savage-y face gashes, he tore into the bathroom and with a few quick strokes made everything all right.

Seriously, how amazing was Kyle MacLachlan in his last two scenes with Dixie Carter? In the bathroom, he expressed delightfully fake remorse that no one in the house would bother calling her an ambulance, and then in the hospital, after telling her she was completely paralyzed but with a functioning brain, which is basically my worst nightmare, he said, in the same gently patronizing voice, ”I don’t have to worry about putting you in jail. You’re already there.” For me, that scene was the most wrenching of any so far this season. Gloria was even more helpless in that hospital bed than when she’d tumbled into Monique’s grave. Nice foreshadowing with that scene.

Another reason last night felt like a finale is that a lot of characters reconciled, whether they’d been in turmoil for just this episode or for a while. Bree and Orson, the most obviously troubled duo, are set to enter their honeymoon phase for real this time. And a lot of other characters made nice:

Bree and Susan No more fighting, now that Bree knows for sure Mike is innocent. ”So we’re back to being friends?” ”We never really stopped.” Awww. That was a long time coming.

Lynette and Tom Breadsticksgate and the chair fiasco had Tom wigging out on the day of Pizzeria Oh-no’s opening, but by the end of the night, he had toasted his cute-hairstyled wife as his invaluable ”partner” and almost turned on the tears. They’ll be at each other’s throats again next week when they run out of curly straws.

Gaby and Carlos They shared some great scenes tonight, showcasing their usual balance of banter — ”I can’t believe you bagged another neighborhood kid!” — and seriousness. Carlos’ discovery that Zach isn’t only well endowed financially, which was symbolized by a great big swinging prop sausage, segued nicely into the ex-couple’s understated but terribly sweet chat on the stairs. I like that there’s no need to rush their eventual reunion, because they make entertaining companions either way.

Danielle and Tacky Plastic Jewelry Back in action! Not to mention the bouffant. Did she mistake the grand opening for an ’80s theme party?

Line of the night: Lynette, to a chair supplier, ”What do you mean, bar mitzvah season? There’s no such thing!”

What do you think? Are you happy that the murder mystery was resolved so quickly? Are there any major loose ends? Can Bree’s two-week honeymoon stretch out until the real finale? And are you looking forward to more plots involving the basic characters, or do you want an entirely new zany/creepy family to enter the picture?

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